How to get your dog back

Does anyone out there have one of those dogs?  Yeah, you know.  The type of dog that's so dumb that, well, if you cut their tail off, they wouldn't mind one bit.  If you cut it off, they would probably think that it means that you love them. 
Well, I have one of those dogs. 
Buddy.
Buddy the dog. 
Black fur, looks like a lab, long nose.
VERY unintelligent.
He only knows a few tricks:  shake, high-five, sit, lie down.  And it takes us about a month to teach him a trick. 

Every time we open the front / back door just a little bit, he DARTS out the door.  And when I say dart, I mean dart.  That dog runs all around the neighborhood.  He runs into people's yards.  Once, he peed on our neighbor's bush. 

And you know what else?  Buddy doesn't know how to pee on a tree.  And he's a male.  He just pees in the grass. 

Those are only some examples of Buddy's stupidness.

But I still love him.